“Honey, are you okay? You seem upset.”
I knew something was bothering my teenage daughter, but I wasn’t sure what it was. Her mood left little doubt about which side of the bed she rolled out on. Before 7:00a.m., she had argued with her sister over a pair of shoes, complained about the dwindling breakfast supplies, and lamented insufficient sleep. She leaned over the kitchen counter and answered unconvincingly, “I’m fine. Everything’s fine.”
Identifying what “I’m fine” means is frustrating for many parents. As a mother of four, I had no idea how much detective work would go into answering this simple question as my children became teenagers. Should I ask more questions or leave her alone? Will my questions cause her to open up or shut down? Do I have the time (and energy) to dig into this right now? We may wonder if it’s possible to thrive during this season when such basic questions seem rife with potential missteps.
Their Changing Frame
When we second-guess how to proceed, we might long for simpler times. For all the difficulties of the little years, we at least got a straight answer to “Are you okay?” Our children came to us willingly, sharing what they could about what bothered them. We kissed bruised knees, prayed about their worries, and reassured them of our love, which usually made them feel better. We didn’t expect them to articulate their thoughts perfectly; we remembered their frame and offered compassion.
Psalm 103:13–14 is often applied to parents in the little years: “As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust.” Knowing the frame of our little ones means we meet them where they are developmentally. While they often challenge us, we understand the limitations of their age and sympathize with them even as we offer correction. We compassionately identify with their struggles, remembering that learning how to obey Mom and Dad, play with new friends, or make good choices isn’t easy.
These lessons don’t magically end at age twelve; they carry well into the teen years. But as the teenager’s frame changes — physically, emotionally, and intellectually — so do our expectations. We can struggle to be patient with their changing frames because what was cute at four is less cute at fourteen. Now that they have a robust vocabulary and can do more independently, we may expect them to behave like mini-adults — perhaps even like us.
These unrealistic expectations can cause tension in our relationships, often pushing us away from each other. But Jesus, who embodies the Father’s compassion, doesn’t love us that way. He moves toward us in our weaknesses. He corrects us with patience, remembering our dusty origins. And so, knowing our child’s frame and responding with compassion isn’t just for parents of littles but also for parents of the not-so-little.
Jesus’s Compassion in Action
Does any phrase more frequently capture the heart of Christ in the Gospels than “he was moved with compassion”? He felt compassion for crowds (Matthew 9:36), compassion for the blind (Matthew 20:34), compassion for lepers and desperate parents and grieving widows (Mark 1:41; 9:22; Luke 7:13). His compassion wasn’t a surface-level feeling but a visceral sympathy that moved him to action. Compassion compelled him not only to draw near to death and its ravages among the living, but eventually to take up the cross and conquer death once and for all.
Our compassionate Savior sympathizes with us in our suffering. He knows the heart of parents who hurt for their children. As mothers concerned for our sons and daughters, we can find comfort in knowing Jesus sees and understands.
Yet even though we want good for our children, our first response to their suffering is not always compassion. We struggle partly because their suffering (like ours) is so often mixed up with their sin. We see their attitudes and standoffishness, and we struggle to move toward them. But just as Jesus moves toward us in our pain, even when we also need an attitude adjustment, he calls us to see our teenagers — not just their moods or missteps but their hearts — and move toward them with love.
What might that love look like in the everyday moments of parenting? Here are three practical ways we can demonstrate Christlike compassion to our teens.
1. Engage with relational understanding.
Compassion wasn’t my first response to my daughter’s bad mood the morning she claimed she was “fine.” But as I drove her to school, I resisted the lecture I wanted to give and asked what was happening in her heart. At first, she struggled to articulate it, but later she expressed frustration about her sprained ankle. Her recent sports injury made everyday tasks taxing and painful, and she missed practicing with her team.
As she described how she felt, I remembered a similar time when an injury had sidelined me, and my old high school insecurities and fears rushed back. While we sometimes have similar experiences to draw from as we counsel our teens, we don’t need to know exactly what they’re feeling to show compassion. We can listen attentively, ask thoughtful questions, and put ourselves in their shoes. As we engage in conversation and align ourselves as fellow strugglers and sufferers, we can sympathize with their weaknesses — something our Savior does perfectly with us.
2. Emphasize spiritual growth.
Often, the issues our teens face present themselves as physical or relational trouble — like dealing with an injury, feeling left out, or trying to fit in. But as we listen, our ears can be tuned for ways not only to bring practical assistance to those areas but also to address the greater spiritual needs underneath. As parents, our main goal isn’t to “fix” their problems or remove the consequences of their actions but rather to help them see each struggle as an opportunity to apply biblical truth and deepen their trust in Jesus.
I sympathized with my daughter’s fears of being left out and left behind and reminded her of God’s past faithfulness. We talked about the promises in Scripture that assure us our suffering will last “a little while,” and that afterward, God will “restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish” us (1 Peter 5:10). With that hopeful foundation laid, we also addressed some of the ways her actions that morning hadn’t reflected trust in Jesus, and how she had been unkind to her sister and me. When our teens know we care and are not unaffected by what hurts, they may be less defensive when we correct them.
3. Encourage with practical support.
Even though we are wise to resist fixing our teens’ problems for them, they still need many practical supports. As we provide a compassionate ear and faithful counsel, we can be quick to look for ways to help shoulder the load of their struggles. This might mean trips to the doctor, extra resources to help an area of weakness, or advocating for them when appropriate.
While a sprained ankle may seem devastating to a student athlete, we know it will last only a little while. We pray that as our teens grow and mature, they’ll look back on the issues that seem large today and see them from their proper perspective. As parents, we often recognize those moments in the moment. However, knowing their frame and offering compassion means we can provide a balanced perspective on what they’re going through without minimizing it.
We focus on displaying “compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience” (Colossians 3:12). As we provide them with the practical and wise support they need, we hope that someday, when they look back, they’ll remember less about their suffering and more of our compassionate response.
It Will All Be ‘Fine’
The changing teenage frame can be as mysterious as it is wonderful. As parents, we sometimes have mixed feelings about entering this season, which can be marked by tension and the tendency to pull away from one another. Knowing our teenagers’ frame and how God kindly remembers ours helps us move toward them as fellow strugglers and sufferers with compassion and grace. We don’t always know how to respond to our teens, but with God as our perfect Father and model, we can rest confident that everything will ultimately be “just fine.”
