Spend enough time at a preschool playground, and you will eventually hear kids trying to one-up each other. They boast to their friends of being faster, stronger, or able to climb as high as the sky. When these pre-adolescent sparring sessions escalate, they often shift from self-grandiose claims to bragging about their mighty dads. “Oh yeah, well my dad could jump over the monkey bars!” “Mine could do that with your dad on his shoulders!” Take these remarks at face value, and you would conclude that their fathers are qualified candidates to join the Avengers! But those of us with fully developed frontal lobes know that thinking about dad as a superhero is downright silly.
Or is it?
I’m convinced that the playground chatter that makes dad sound like Mr. Incredible has roots in childhood imagination and biblical inspiration. Now, I’m not suggesting that dads are the superhero a kid needs. No, that role has been claimed and completed by Jesus Christ, who shared in our humanity so that “through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery” (Hebrews 2:14–15). Talk about a superhero!
Earthly dads are not asked to do what only Jesus could do as humanity’s ultimate Champion. But when we consider the role dads are asked to play in their kids’ lives, “My Dad the Superhero” becomes much less silly than we might initially think. Let me explain.
Pressing Buttons
The New Testament doesn’t include many verses plainly directed to dads. But among the limited amount of ink devoted, there’s one command that God inspired the apostle Paul to include twice. In both Ephesians and Colossians, dads receive instructions that center on the command to “not provoke your children”:
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4)
Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. (Colossians 3:21)
The fact that God chose to double down on this word of caution shouldn’t be taken lightly.
Even though two different Greek words lie behind the word “provoke” in these passages, the basic idea is the same. To provoke is to do or say something that ignites, incites, or stirs up a reaction in another, and it’s not always a bad thing. In fact, believers are commanded to consider how we might provoke each other toward love and good deeds (Hebrews 10:24), and Paul commends the Corinthians for provoking fellow Christians to care for others (2 Corinthians 9:2). The issue for fathers here is not the occurrence of provoking but rather the outcome of it.
Dads, let’s be honest: We know what bad provoking looks like. It’s when we make that comment, give that look, or take that action that we know will push a child’s buttons. As a father of five, I picture myself walking around the house like a pilot inside the cockpit of a Boeing 747. In front of me are hundreds of shiny buttons, and as I interact with my kids, those buttons begin to blink and beep in my mind, begging for me to press one. With one sharp look, biting comment, or hasty response, dads can instantly send a child spiraling into discouragement or anger, which is precisely the outcome that Paul is calling us to avoid.
Dad’s Superpower
While it’s alarming to acknowledge how easy it is to provoke anger and discouragement in a child, it becomes terrifying when we admit how hard it can be to not provoke. In moments of parental irritation or inconvenience, holding back our scowl, growl, or howl can feel impossible. In those intense internal battles, victory is reserved for dads who possess an eleven-letter characteristic that lives at 890 Fifth Avenue in Manhattan: self-control. (For those who don’t get the reference, it’s the Avengers Mansion.)
Have you ever noticed that the Bible speaks about self-control in language that puts it on par with a superpower? “Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city” (Proverbs 16:32). Dads with self-control are better than the mighty and better than those who conquer a city. On the flip side, the father who cannot control his spirit is compared to a city that is ready to be conquered (Proverbs 25:28). Simply put, a dad with self-control is the superhero our kids need.
In particular, children need a dad who has the self-control to handle the concealed weapon we carry — the tongue. Dads desperately need to walk around the house with the safety on their lips engaged so that our words are not haphazardly fired off. For the tiny organ that hides behind a wall of teeth is the very thing that can bite the hardest.
Dads, your tongue has the power of life and death (Proverbs 18:21). On the outside, you may appear to be a normal guy, but in reality you walk through the house like Conan the barbarian, wielding words that can pierce like a sword (Proverbs 12:18). You may not be a regular at the gym, but that doesn’t stop you from having the power of Thor and his hammer, fully able to crush the spirit (Proverbs 15:4).
Imagine if the playground banter between classmates went like this: “My dad could throw this merry-go-round into the ocean!” “Well, mine can think of a hurtful thought and not say it!” We don’t consider both statements a sign of supernatural strength, but the Scriptures do. As I approach my fifties, I see with greater clarity how powerful and precious it is to possess self-control. I used to think that ultimate freedom was the ability to do whatever I wanted. Now I believe that freedom is possessing the self-control not to do the things I think I want but will later regret.
Two Sources of Strength
How then are we to resist provoking our kids to anger and discouragement? Personally, I leverage two strategies in the fight to rule my spirit and speech. The first comes from Romans 12:21: “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” Dads who focus only on what they try to avoid are left powerless in their fight against the flesh (Colossians 2:21–23). Simply put, yes-less noes are worthless. The strength required to avoid provoking comes from focusing on the positive impact our yes can yield.
By focusing on the positive outcomes presented in Ephesians 6:4 and Colossians 3:21, we have a compelling vision to pursue:
Dads, continually uplift your kids’ spirits as they journey toward maturity in Christ. Instruct with kindness and correct with gentleness so they never go a day wondering if their dad is for them.
Inspiration such as this serves as kryptonite to my irritated and inconvenienced flesh when it wants to make me a provoking fool (Proverbs 27:3).
My second strategy is a simple meditation that has the hero-making effect of a Steatoda spider bite on Peter Parker. When I feel myself becoming entangled in provocation’s web, I take a deep breath (often stepping outside for fresh air) and quickly set my mind on Jesus. Ironically, I will focus on the moments when Jesus had the self-control to give up control. As his earthly ministry was concluding, Jesus was in complete control: “No one takes [my life] from me.” Yet as we know, he didn’t keep control of his life; he willingly gave it away. “I lay it down of my own accord” (John 10:18).
I think about the self-control that it took for Jesus to be crucified by the hands of sinful men without once striking back, speaking back, or turning back. And then I spend a few seconds reminding myself of what Jesus accomplished. He made a way for sinful dads like me to receive God’s forgiveness and be restored into relationship with him. As a guarantee that I am now God’s beloved son, the Holy Spirit lives within me. This Spirit in me is the same Spirit who raised Jesus from the dead (Romans 8:11).
And that’s when it hits me: The ultimate uplifter lives in me. I don’t have to respond in ways that tear down or hold back my kids. Fellow fathers, I’m passing on one of my secrets here. A quick gospel meditation like this can turn my front porch into the equivalent of Clark Kent’s phone booth. It has the power to take a normal dad on the edge of provoking and fill him with self-control — which transforms him into the superhero his kids always dreamed he was.
